The truth is that I struggle with this far more than I would like to admit. It is my goal to be a vibrant, strong, and independent woman. I also want to be beautiful. I hate to admit that I seek approval and validation far more than I should. I am not even sure why I do it.
This evening my boyfriend and I had a heart to heart. We talked about how I need to be able to push myself and that I cannot always depend on him to push me because he has to be able to push himself too. I know that it is true, but for some reason it made me feel sad. I decided to look within for the answers and I found out that I felt sad because I am scared. I am afraid of being alone and being unsuccessful at pushing myself. I am afraid of working and trying hard and still failing. What if I give it my very best and still fail to reach my goals?
I have spent so much of my time and life being a people-pleaser and focusing on others more than myself. Time alone used to be excruciatingly uncomfortable. With time I have gotten better at it. It is still challenging for me to stay completely focused and push myself. I know that we will need to spend a little less time together and more time individually focusing on our own goals. I worry that if we spend less time together we will grow apart or that I will miss out on memories and moments we can have together.
The more I look within, the more I realize that these worries and insecurities are coming from my fears. I do not want to live my life in fear anymore. I want to get past my fears and elevate myself and my life. I also want us to have a healthy relationship. A relationship is healthiest when both people are healthy and accomplishing their goals and dreams.
A few years ago, a close friend of mine said that one of the most important things for a woman to have in a relationship is her independence. I can see that this is true, but it scares me and sometimes feels like a paradox. Is it possible to be in an intimate relationship and be independent? I think that both individuals being strong independently is essential for a healthy relationship. This concept and way of thinking is new to me. It could be the reason why my past relationships were unhealthy and brought me down.
I am ready to change. I want to become a strong and independent woman AND I want my relationship to be healthy. I am learning that it is okay for me to have my own life and spend time on me.