This week I really stretched myself outside of my comfort zone… It was finals week and I felt nowhere near prepared. Overwhelmed, stressed, and nervous about my evaluation with my professor on Thursday. I spent the entire quarter focusing on Java and programming, but neglected two of the books that I was supposed to read. Yes, procrastination really is a killer!
I had two big books two read and a paper to write. I spent all day Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday reading and wrote my paper right before the evaluation. I read:
“Rebel Code: Linux and the Open Source Revolution”by Glynn Moody
“The Mythical Man-Month, Anniversary Edition: Essays On Software Engineering” by Frederick Brooks
I think I read over 700 pages in 2 days (which is a lot for me personally). I enjoyed both books more than I thought I would and learning about the history of software and the Open Source revolution gave me a new appreciation for computers. I think I really enjoyed the fact that a lot of advancements in technology have taken place in my lifetime and it was fun to think back to where I was at each point. I am inspired and want to be a part of something greater than myself.
I also feel really good about the fact that I pushed myself and didn’t give up in the midst everything. Also, the first book was pretty dryly written, but I kept reading. I proved to myself that I could do it. My mind was flooded with doubts and self-defeating thoughts, but I silenced all the negativity in my mind and committed myself to learning. I want to continue to carry this mindset with me throughout my studies.
I missed some work to focus on my studies and I am a little regretful of that because I know that it will be lacking in next month’s paycheck, but this is part of the sacrifice that I need to make to create a better future for myself. I have been struggling with my confidence especially with my studies because I feel pretty lost in the world of computers. There were a bunch of times this past week that I questioned whether or not I am in the right field. I even got to the point where I considered telling me professor that I was going to switch fields, but then I decided that I am not going to quit. I am determined to succeed and I will do whatever it takes to understand things. I need to push myself more to learn. I have been struggling with putting things in context because I have nothing to relate what I am learning with. I just need to study a lot, read lots of articles, practice and stumble until it makes sense. I think I can raise the bar for myself.
I went into that Evaluation on Thursday evening “ready or not” feeling not ready at all, but it went a lot better than I ever imagined. I was able to pull together my work and I knew how to do things that I didn’t think I knew. I am just going to keep working on it.
I feel a sense of satisfaction from working so hard and making things happen for myself. Another major stress er in my life has been finances. Things are extra tight for me to the point that I have been regretting changing jobs because I made so much more money at my last job and I loved coaching. This week I was really considering getting another part-time job to bring in a little more money, but I know that if I do that; it will cut into my study time, big time. The main reason why I switched was so that I could focus on my studies. I made my decision over the weekend. I am going to try really hard to hang in there with my current job and study harder than before. Hopefully someday I will be able to get an even better job. I guess for now I am “paying my dues.”
All of my workouts this week consisted of taking my puppy Ruby for walks. I think it is good that I have been able to maintain that. I will try and incorporate more little by little, but for now. I am going to be okay with the fact that this is what I can afford time-wise and it is helping both Ruby and I.
This weekend I noticed a jealous-streak in myself that I didn’t like. I think that I am jealous of other computer programmers (not personally of course) but because they are so much further along than I am. They understand things and they are effective and proficient in their skills, while I am still fumbling and stumbling lost in the dark. I really hate to admit that I still struggle with feelings of insecurity, lack of confidence, and inadequacy. I am afraid that I am not good enough to succeed or that something is wrong with me. I really hate this “victim mentality.” It has kept me trapped for far too long. I really want to rise about it. I want to change this about myself. It’s a good thing that I am in the midst of a “Transformation Project.” I have a lot of room for growth and I am going to actively work on changing.
Another good thing that happened this week was that I am looking forward to starting my evening classes! I was so afraid of them for so long and worried about being exhausted, but I think I am ready. I want to learn.
Meditation and Mindfulness
- Meditate. I haven’t done any formal meditation yet, but going on my long walks with Ruby has given me the chance to think and process my thoughts. This week I would like to try meditating at least once even if it is in the form of prayer.
- Breathe Deeply. My walks have helped me to breathe more deeply than I would be if I wasn’t walking. I will try to be more mindful of my breathing.
- Practice Yoga. I haven’t practiced yoga in a long time. I think this week is a good week to start!
- Sing. I went to church yesterday and it felt so good to sing. I want to sing more often.
- Begin Spring Cleaning. I am doing great with this goal. Christopher and I accomplished a lot over the weekend. I noticed that he is really good about moving quickly and efficiently. He doesn’t spend too much time over-thinking. I want to be more like him in that respect.
I really can’t complain about this past week. I feel great about my accomplishments. I have acknowledged my weaknesses, and I am excited about moving forward. Let’s start today right here and now!!!!
What are your goals for this week? I would love to hear them!
Love, Joy, Peace, and Blessings Always,