Thoughts, Ramblings, and Realizations

I have had lots of different thoughts swirling in my mind lately and this evening when I was cleaning my house I discovered a couple of realizations about myself…  I am about to make more big changes in my life (hopefully for the best) and I think this is a perfect time for some deep and thoughtful self-reflection.

The first major observation that I have drawn this week is the fact that I still cave and crumble under scrutiny and when I feel like I am being judged.  I am a little disappointed in myself because I thought that by now (in my later 20’s) that I would feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin.  But the fact is, my friends, that I am still growing into myself.

That fact hasn’t put my concerns to rest…Where has the time gone and what have I been doing with my life?   I have made peace with my past and have forgiven myself for my mistakes and the time I wasted from 17-22, but I was in my early 20s when I came home and now here I stand…  In my late 20s swiftly approaching 30…  That’s a scary thought!

It took me 4 years to heal and make peace with my past.  I know that I am still a work in progress and I have a long ways to go, but I am happy with the progress I have made since then.  This healing journey has been such a slow and sometimes frustrating process, but I like who I am becoming.

I think I allowed myself to stay in the unhealthy situation because I gave up on myself a little and I didn’t think that I deserved better.  I was brainwashed and broken down into thinking that the problems were always my fault…

I spent a good 4 years stuck in survival mode struggling to get by and just trying to make it.  It wasn’t until very recently this year that I have been able to transition from surviving to thriving.  Old habits are hard to break and thriving feels a lot more challenging than surviving at this point.

I still stumble on some of the rubble of past disasters that happened in my life.  And sometimes I get stuck.  These instances manifest themselves in my self-sabotage pattern.  And the times that I am easily distracted or easily discouraged.  I still struggle with self-esteem, confidence, and believing in myself and I think that these struggles make everything a lot harder for me because it affects everything that I do.  I want to change this and break these unhealthy habits/cycles.  Luckily, my most unhealthy vice is junk food and lack of exercise and that is something that I can change.

They say that your 20s are the years when you find yourself and your identity.  That sure sets a high bar for 30s.  Am I supposed to have it all figured out and have my life assembled by then?  I guess I better get to work!

I hate the fact that I still get stuck and hung up and sometimes I sabotage myself and put myself down.  Maybe it is true that I don’t care for myself as much as I should.  This evening I realized that I should care because this is my one life.  I want to do better for myself, but not just for me.  I want to do better for my family.  I want to do better and contribute to making this world a better place.  And I want to do better for myself and my future.

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3 thoughts on “Thoughts, Ramblings, and Realizations

  1. I promise that it’s ok not to have it figured out by 30! That’s a myth 😊 I’m 33 and honestly, I’m not sure there’s a point where it will be “figured out” but I’m learning to understand that that’s the beauty of it! Life would definitely not be as interesting if all the pieces fell into place perfectly. Your ability to observe your own self, will take you far in life, be proud of your introspection 🙂

    1. Thank you! That means a lot to me coming from you! I really admire you and your approach to fitness and life! I have been enjoying your new website! Keep writing and working out! You are truly an inspiration to me! ❤

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