Yesterday’s Sorrow Could Be Tomorrow’s Celebration

I’m about to get personal here…

At the age of 20 I took a train down to California with a heart-full of hopes and the worst migraine in my life( that could have been a sign right there and then).  I landed in Oakland and was ready to start school in the Bay Area.  I ended up being in a terrible mentally and physically abusive relationship and was engaged for over 2 years.  I stayed because I “thought I was in love” and I was brainwashed.  I thought that if I could just “fix myself” then everything would be better.  At that time, I could not see the fact that I was not broken and if I had to name that time in my life I would call it: “NOT My Brightest Moment.”

Throughout that time my ex wanted to get married, but as much as I thought I was in love; I also knew that something was not right.  I told him that “We can’t get married until you meet my Grandma.”  He wanted to have kids, but as much as we tried, it just didn’t happen.  He would say the meanest things to me like: “There must be something so wrong with you that you can’t have kids.”  Or “You must be broken.”  “You must have aids.”  Just some of the most heartbreaking and mean things you could ever imagine…  I felt so inadequate, broken, and worried that I would never be able to have a child…

One day,  I made up my mind to collect all of my courage and make my great escape…That is another story in and of itself…    2 years later in 2012 I found out that I had a tumor on one of my ovaries and polycystic ovaries.  Again I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to bear children.  I was heart broken and felt broken again but then I realized that

This was probably a blessing in disguise.

Maybe I had had my condition during the years that I was in that nightmarish abusive relationship and it kept me from having kids with the wrong person.  I knew that if I had had a child with him, I probably would have never left, but I might not have lived through the violence and abuse…

In 2013 I thought that I would have to have the tumor surgically removed, but when I got another ultrasound and CAT scan I found out that the tumor had disappeared on its own.  Another blessing!

Through the years I struggled financially and was not able to pay off those medical bills even working multiple jobs.

Last summer, I found out that I was pregnant and was happy about the surprise, but was heartbroken when I lost the child in a miscarriage a week later.  It was a heartbreaking and emotional time, but we got through it together.

I had more medical bills…  Yesterday, I was able to pay off all of my bills and it was a bittersweet feeling.  I was reminded of the pains and heartbreak of my past, but being able to pay off my balances provided me with some closure.

I have a little less money in the bank, but now I am debt free.  And I can move on with my life.

So the next time that you life has got you feeling down just remember:

“Yesterday’s sorrow could be tomorrow’s celebration.”

Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,

Alana Xoxoxo

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4 thoughts on “Yesterday’s Sorrow Could Be Tomorrow’s Celebration

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I know that is something extremely hard to deal with. I admire how you are able to look on the bright side of things, and especially that you were able to get out of that abusive relationship. That quote is a treasure, words to live by, and you’re proof positive of that. Now, I don’t know if this helps with “never give up hope,” but I was almost 38 when I had AJ (we had given up basically and then I got pregnant), so don’t think time is running out (not that you were, but just throwing that out there). My neighbor was 43 when she had a child, my grandmother 44, and I even know one lady who had an “oops” child at 45, a kid who is a year younger than AJ. And I consider it a blessing that I had him later in life… I was settled, AND, he’s kept me young, :D. God bless, my friend. Thank you for sharing. xoxo

    1. Thank you Paula. I think this was the first time that I was able to acknowledge and reflect on it since it happened. Because I was so hurt. It has taken awhile for me to see the sunny side of things. Thank you for recognizing that. You definitely do give me hope! Thank you 🙂 And what a blessing! Paula, you amaze me with your uplifting spirit, positivity, and all those runs and all that bling! I actually was kind of starting to lose hope a little until you shared your story with me. I have been feeling nervous about turning 30 in two years, but it’s good to know that I still have time. I guess it will give me a chance to complete my degree :). I was just thinking about you and your runs before I logged back in and read your comment… I was thinking about possibly training for that half, like I have talked about in the past… I would like to do it before I turn 30. God bless you too, and thank you so much for your kindness. *hugs* Xoxoxo

      1. I was devastated when I turned 30, thought my life was over, hadn’t accomplished anything… please don’t feel that way because the 30s and 40s are actually the best times of your life! You have more wisdom than when you’re 20, and you still look just as good, if not better!! You also have more inner peace than at 20. A whole lot to look forward to, not dread!! You’re on the right path, Alana, embrace it! And if you run that half before you’re 30, then bonus!! If not, you’ll run it when you’re 31! :D. Don’t forget I was 47 when I ran my first half! Enjoy life… and don’t dread turning 30… it’s a great time, it really is! 😀

      2. Thanks Paula! I have been feeling terrified over turning 30… both Christopher and I (because we are the same age) . You have helped me to re-frame it in a much more positive light! 47?!?! That’s amazing! I didn’t know that 🙂 Thanks for being a true inspiration. I hope you will have a lovely day today!!! Xoxoxo.

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