Catch My Breath

I must admit that I have been hiding out.  It feels like we celebrated Christmas 3 times.  This is my favorite time of year and I love being able to visit and catch-up with family and friends.

Christmas #1:  Merry Christmas Grandma ❤

My parents, boyfriend and I drove south to visit my Grandma Alice and took her out to dinner.  It was a beautiful evening even though I was pretty tired by the time we arrived.  Our Christmas and holiday visits have been feeling less and less traditional as the years go by.

I have mixed feelings around the changes.  Growing up we used to arrive at Grandma’s on Friday or even as early as Wednesday.  We would go last minute shopping, make spaghetti on Christmas Eve, then usually attend midnight Mass and excitedly bust into our gifts at the stroke of midnight.  We got to stay up late then put out cookies for Santa.  Christmas day was full of cooking, Christmas music, and lots of good food.

When I was in elementary school I used to spend the entire week with Grandma and Grandpa then get picked up by my parents on New Years’ Day.  This year, it felt like Christmas was cut short because we only got to share one meal.  I guess it is quality over quantity, right?!

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Christmas #2:  Christmas Eve with Christopher’s family.

Christmas Eve was another adventure.  Christopher and I went to test drive a motor home then on the way home we stopped at Best Buy to find a gift for his parents.  We ended up getting this fancy Phantom 4 Drone.  My boyfriend was so excited that he didn’t even want to wrap the gift, but I urged him to do it and we both agreed it was a good idea.  Traditionally we usually eat dinner first then end with gifts, but we were so excited and dove right into gifts as soon as we arrived.  It was fun to see their faces light up as they unwrapped the gift.

After we opened our gifts, we enjoyed a delicious meal of ham, homemade foccacia, salad, and potatoes combined with a glass of wine.  I really enjoyed our conversations and the fact that we got to visit.  ❤

Christmas #3: Christmas with My Family.

Our final Christmas celebration felt like the most out of the norm.  We rolled out of bed and immediately brought my boyfriend’s family a flat-screen tv for their drone room.  I was happy because I got to bring my kitty Alleyjandra with us.

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Alleyjandra loves car rides and going on adventures with us!

We got breakfast sandwiches from McDonald’s then relaxed until it was time to pick up our motor home.  In the meantime, I made my way to noon Mass which was bilingual.  I spent that day feeling a little off.

I think the truth is that I really miss my Sis.  She didn’t make an appearance at any of our Christmas Celebrations :'(.  My parents arrived with prime rib, curry soup, and three different kinds of dessert.  They even brought their own table complete with a table cloth.  My boyfriend was able to convince them to join us on our voyage to buy our RV and I was glad that they decided to come along!

These are only a few snapshots of the entire thing.  The RV has some work and  needs a little sprucing up, but it was a great value and it is exciting that we have purchased a 2nd home with travelling potential!  My boyfriend drove it home like a champ that night and his parents agreed to let us park it on their property.

After dropping it off we invited Christopher’s parents to join my parents for Christmas dinner.  I was a little nervous about how this might affect the dynamic, but decided to go with the flow and make the BEST of it.

It was very nice and everyone enjoyed the night.  Especially our furry family: Oscar, Alleyjandra, and Ruby.  I am so happy that everyone had a great time.

A few Afterthoughts:

The holidays have always been a very emotional time of year for me.  Maybe even more now that my sister is away.  At the end of Christmas night, my mom informed me that my dad has lost more use of his kidneys and was recommended for a transplant.  I am sad and scared.  I cannot imagine my life without my dad.

I also felt bad that I wasn’t able to get my parents better gifts.  I did the best that I could, but I wish that I could have done better.

Overall, I felt a little disconnected and aloof throughout the holidays.  I do feel happy and blessed that my boyfriend was there with me every step of the way.  This is the 3rd Christmas that we have celebrated together and I must say that it was the BEST.

I hate the fact that lately I have been feeling so sad, down, and emotional.  I even felt pretty depressed these past few days and it is frustrating because I feel like I don’t have a good reason to feel that way.  I have so much love and support in my life and I don’t EVER want to take that for granted.  It almost feels like a tinge of sabotage.  In the past I sabotaged relationships because I feared that I didn’t deserve something real and true.

I am afraid that I am falling into that pattern.  It feels like an internal battle.  Yesterday I considered looking in to counseling which could still be a good option.  Throughout this past year I have been working hard to learn how to do things that I am capable of.  For example, instead of hiring a personal trainer.  Learning how to workout and train on my own.  I was pretty successful with that.

I did have some counseling in the past to help me get through my PTSD and trauma and I know that it helped, but there comes a point when you need to TAKE ACTION!  My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation yesterday and it got me thinking…  Maybe I have been a little too passive going from day-to-day waiting around and hoping that good things will come along.  I have been so afraid that if I try, I will fail so maybe it is better to not try so hard and risk failing?

I feel like that’s pathetic, but if I am honest with myself, it is a pattern that has been a part of my life for the past decade.  I’m scared.  I’m terrified.  And I am stuck in a life of mediocrity and personal settling because I am afraid.  This does not apply to my relationship or living situation.

What would happen if I really applied myself and tried?!??!

I am ready to find out!  Join me on my journey!

Love, Joy, and Blessings Always,

Alana Xoxoxo

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6 thoughts on “Catch My Breath

  1. Alana, it pains me to read these things. Especially because I so much can relate to it. It’s already a huge step you’ve made, by realizing that it is a pattern you can fall into. The first thing you’ll want to do is take action, do something that makes you happy, even if it’s small. When I give people gifts, I always make DIY’s in combination with something bought, because it has a bit more meaning. For instance, this year I made a portret for my sister in law, of her 3 children and I also bought her make up. For my mother in law, I bought a cleanser and I also made her a mini painting (quick fix of 15 minutes, if you check Ryan O’ Rourke on youtube).
    But do you know what I especially recognize in you? The fact you don’t think you’re worth it. I’ve been there! Honey, you need to give the people around you credit. They care about you for a reason. They chose you. They are intelligent good people. They care about you, because THEY think you’re worth it. You respect them by respecting yourself and thinking highly of yourself. I know it’s so easy saying this to someone else, because I’ve also been through this. But by thinking negatively, you indeed in the end will sabotage it all.
    Please don’t think you’ll have a mediocre life! When I turned 27, I also thought that. The thing that got me out of it, was learning to enjoy the “stupid” little things in life: buying make up and trying out new looks, doing DIY’s, crochet a project in the couch while my boyfriend is reading a book, watching a TV drama with him with a good glass of wine, cooking something fast and easy, writing my blog and feeling I can at least touch one person… You touch people with your posts, don’t forget that!
    You just need to be there in all these little things whole heartedly. You will encounter something amazing in life, but you need to let it come to you by being open. Otherwise, you could miss out on it…
    I truly hope you’ll have an amazing New Year, Alana! You deserve it! ❤ Sarah

    1. Sarah, your words mean the world to me. I love your idea of combining diy with a gift!
      Thank you so much for your encouragement. I hate feeling this way because it feels like I am wasting time and letting the good and beautiful things in my life slip away. You give me hope and I am so happy that even though you have gone through it too that you have been able to rise above the gloom.
      You are pretty spot on about the way that I have been feeling. I like what you said about respect. “That I can show respect to the people that I love by respecting myself.” That has been one of the hardest things for me. Respecting myself and believing in me. I think that is going to be one of the big things I am going to work on in this New Year.
      Thanks for sharing what has worked for you. I think that is true. Finding joy in fun everyday things 🙂
      You definitely touch me with your posts and your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to be here for me.
      I hope you will have an amazing New Year too Sarah!!! *Hugs*
      ❤ Alana

      1. Alana, you’re very much welcome. I’m glad I could somehow inspire and help you. Sometimes, it takes someone completely outside of your life to talk to, because it can give you insights in a situation in which you’re finding yourself. *big Hugs* ❤ Sarah

  2. 3 christmases?! Sounds like a dream! You’re blogs show just how brave and courageous you are, and it’s a lovely thing to read that despite missing your sister, your family and boyfriends family all came around to make Christmas a loving time still!

    Happy 2017 and here’s to a good new year! If you do decide to go through with counselling I think it’ll be a blessing and a life lesson, plus you can always stop after a while! Xxx

    1. Hi Franky!
      It was definitely a Christmas season to remember. Thank you for your kind words. I like how you highlighted the positive aspects in my post. It was a good reminder for me :).
      Happy New Year to you too! Let’s make 2017 the Best year yet!!! Xxx.
      ❤ Alana

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